funny wedding books novel amazon.com Wedding Chronicles Bob N. Boguslavski
Two posts recently covered notable 'c' words in conversate and cocksucker. Bob won’t bother to explain coink-e-dink, since that’s pretty obvious and he throws that one around a lot.

We’ll complete our c-word trifecta instead with the grand daddy of them all, at least as covered in Bob’s debut novel. This particular word will no doubt agitate some, but hey, it is what it is, here in North A-merry-ka.
 

In different parts of the world, its meaning is not necessarily as harsh. A rather expansive Wikipedia entry on it can be found here.

The word makes a few appearances at a couple weddings in the book, but it was decided to aggregate them and file this blog post under the Miscellaneous category (together with a few posts on testicles), because, like … it fits. It’s Bob’s blog, and he can do what he wants with it.

It popped up twice in Tenerife #18.
 
“Right fuckin’ cunt you are,” retorted Roddy.

A little later on, the Spanish version made a short, sharp appearance at the hand of our groom’s wife-to-be. She was a bit exasperated with someone.
 
“¡Coño!”

Both uses above were further contextualized a little later in Mustique #47.
 
Some, though, might label me an outright cunt like Dudley’s straightforward
mate Roddy did in Tenerife, just like an American. The more suave and sophisticated
might offer up something akin to, “Yes, lovely.
C U Next Tuesday.”

Another nifty way to disguise the word was to sing it, spouge style, as in “Sixpence”
by The Escorts from back when I was just a little nipper.
For dem Bajans, you were,
as need be, a cun-tree girl or boy.


The Spanish coño was far superior to its English equivalent in my eyes. When
Guayarmina employed it—even with her exemplary fire and flair—at the close of her
fiancé’s bachelor night, it wasn’t crude, lewd, or rude. With the brittle final English
consonant gone plus a substituted
ñ, coño seemed somehow softer, and a more
appropriate alternative for everyday speech on both sides of the genital divide.
 

Bob digs the way them Bajan ladz subtly played with the words, using strategic pauses and gaps to get their desired verbal effect. That's the way things rolled in the Caribbean circa 1973 or so as regards explicit lyrics. 

Now, in Britain, home of proper English as some are wont to claim, the word doesn’t carry as much negatory gravitas as on this side of the pond, but it's still pretty bad. Here’s someone’s Grammie getting in on the action.
 

Here’s a related delightful ditty on it, featuring Steve Coogan, taken from The Trip (2010). This was apparently deleted out of the final cut for whatever reason. Go figure. 
 

Following is a TV compilation featuring a bunch of spontaneous “cunning linguists." Said group is NOT to be confused with two similar sounding sexual words connected to today’s topic. (i.e., concatenate the content in prior quotes and remove some letters for both possibilities). Aren't word games fun?!
 

Here’s a nice little primer on the word's etymology, presented with suave British sophistication to make it more palatable and polished.
 

Down Under (aka Oz-Trail-ya), it’s actually a term of endearment or affection reserved for your best mates. Apparently the same in Scotland too, as seen here. So there, put that in your pipe and smoke it.
 

Here’s a pair of homegrown Aussie sociology scholars with street cred expanding on this. Note the ever important beverage product placement for added authenticity. 
 

If you ever get caught out calling your mother-in-law that word, employ the intercultural Aussie defen(s/c)e maneuver, and your sorry ass is covered.
 

Or better still, switch language gears to Spanish. As quoted above, Bob deffo has a marked preference for this, as it just sounds so way, way better. Depending on the country of usage too, its meaning can vary widely, and can be more a general expression of frustration, joy, shock or anger, akin to the versatile F-bomb in Ingrisch. More on those Spanish meanings here.

Here's a little lingo instruction on this one. 
 

Now that we've thoroughly covered this, Bob promises to drop 'c' word coverage for now, behave a little better in mixed company, and move on to other experiences from his worldwide wedding travels.
 

Pretty much anything  can be discussed at a wedding, depending on where you are, and who you're with. It ain't all just make nice, polite cocktail-and-canapé chitchat. Now you're all set to conversate about cocksuckers and cunts, be it by coink-e-dink (on a Tuesday), or not. 


 
Here's one early paperback reader's suggested preferred serving presentation as regards consuming Wedding Chronicles. One imagines it could work just as well with any other book. 


Repeat accompanying complementary "medicinal" beverage à volonté. As with all alco-pops, there's never a specific recommended serving size printed on the bottle. You figure that shit out yourself.

If one zooms in on the glass, it actually has "University of Toronto Medicine" emblazoned on there. How prescient of our reader, who knows what medicine be all about. 


The photo was taken somewhere in Canuckistan, well into scotch whisk(e)y o'clock time, on July 6, 2014.
 
One of Bob's homemade sayings is "It's always funny until someone loses a testicle."

Why? Well, here's proof positive in that regard.

Such a situation is one of those things in life that you KNOW you don't need to have happen personally to you, in order to believe it is so. "Run, Forrest, run!" is all one can say, especially from any women you may have in your life that are capable of such mayhem and menace.

Exhibit #1
Woman jailed for testicle attack
A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison
10-FEB-2005

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard. She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."
FULL STORY

You just gotta dig the part where our gal Amanda put the little fellow in her mouth, and tried to swallow it, but then spat it out. Maybe she thought it was a Malteaser, piece of gum/candy or sumpin' like that, but just for a second or two until reason took hold.

Then the dutiful friend retrieves if and returns it to our victim with that priceless line above.

"I am in no way a violent person." Amanda Monti
Yeah, sure. Right. I'm with you on that.

Alas, poor Mr. Jones was unable to have his little friend put back on. In hindsight, he shoulda maybe thought twice about saying no to nookie that night and talking things over with Amanda. She got 2.5 years in the clink for her efforts once all was said and done.


Exhibit #2
Woman admits biting off man's testicle
06-DEC-00

A mother of two has pleaded guilty to affray after biting off a man's testicle. Denise Carr, 32, admitted biting off the testicle of her friend's husband, Neil Hutchinson, 30, during a violent row.
FULL STORY

The original incident happened on October 16, 1999, so it actually took the wheels of justice a while to swing around on this one for Neil. Priorities, priorities, please.

Regadless, our girl Denise has this real serious "Don't mess with me or I'll bite your gonad off" look about her judging by this photo. You just know it.


Bob likes the bit about how the police later found the severed gonad under a picture frame somewhere in the living room. Further, it looks like our main man Neil was unable to have that sucker sewn back on either, just like the unfortunate cat in the first story. There seems to be some consistency at play here between both exhibits. Just trying to be thorough for the benefit of all.

Per the follow-on story from January 2001, it looks like Denise got 6 months in the cooler for her action, despite her otherwise "exemplary character."

Overall, Bob doesn't know if there is something in the air or drinking water in the United Kingdom, as both happened there, but moving forward, as he attends weddings in that country, he shall be a little more guarded as to the types of women one may chat up at a wedding as a single guy. This is perhaps one type of misadventure most guys might be happy to miss.

Kudos to our friends at the BBC, who do their utmost to keep the world informed about all the news that's fit to print and that we absolutely need to know about. They may not always get it right, but looks like they were on the money and digging deep here with these two stories.

Anyway, as to the overall validity of his saying, Bob rests his case. As a parting word to all the fellow single bachelors out there, y'all be needin' to choose your girlf(r)iends a little better.

Bob was thinking of slapping a few example pictures up here to drive things home visually, but then after considering some suitable specimens, his compassionate side got the better of him. It is pretty easy to find some though, if you really feel the need to see some severed ones in jars and other views. You can trust Bob on all this.



You can just imagine the scene at this wedding in the UK. Strange but true.

Self-Castrated Man Delays Wedding
Sep. 20, 2013

'The image that comes to mind is that of a loving couple holding hands in church before a vicar, who is saying, "If anyone knows any reason why this couple may not be joined in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace..." Then, all of a sudden some random geezer rushes in, drops his pants and snips off his testicles with a pair of scissors. FULL STORY


Proof positive once again that "it's always funny until someone loses a testicle." In this case, he may have even doubled down on that. Bob's glad he was NOT around for that episode. It hurts to even think about it.

Or maybe, he was just the last groom married there, as this points out nicely. Sorta kinda same result in the end, isn't it?


Hey, when you're some single guy attending weddings worldwide, you think about stuff like this and what it all really means in the long run.