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We’ve all heard those stories of "cold feet" in the days, weeks or months before the wedding, and even on the day itself. A few of us may have even witnessed it first hand with friends, family, guided someone close through it, or experienced it personally. 


As was the case at a friend’s 2001 spring wedding in Hawaii, our groom to be, Lamont Lewis, was thinking about what lay ahead, just hours before the ceremony, hanging out in his suite with Bob and his best man, Isaiah Washington. Shit don’t get more real than that, as the minutes tick down to ceremony kick-off.

“I don’t know if I’m making the correct decision here,” Lamont said with some
weariness. “I’d call the wedding off, right now if I had more guts. But I don’t. So,
I’ll just go through with it and get a divorce later.”

“Wow, that’s heavy,” I said, “and you’re just realizing it right at this very moment?”

“Well, it’s been building for a while. But I can’t call it off. Everyone’s here. It would
ruin the day. There’d also be a lot of money down the drain. Ku’ene’s family would
freak out.”

“Yes, but your whole life together is at stake. Marriage is serious.”

“Nothing a divorce can’t fix. He can just play along for a while,” said Isaiah coolly,
“like a lot of other trapped married folks out there.”

When this happens, there’s a lot of stuff going on inside your head and heart, and no matter what any other person is willing to tell you, you still need to make up your own mind as to what you want to do. It’s your life after all, and you’ll be dealing with the consequences.

Usually, this moment of truth don’t just sneak up on your sorry ass at the last minute. It’s been building inside for a while, and maybe you just weren’t willing to acknowledge it or want to talk about it.
Will you pull the eject handle, or suck it up, march on, go through with it, and hope of for the best?
 

It can happen for a few different reasons:

-   not sure about this whole marriage thing, and if this is the right person
-   something new found out about your prospective partner
-   something internally eating away about yourself or your partner, that you hadn’t wanted to admit before

A couple short episodes show how dramatic it can get for some folks in said scenario. 



Some say, if it doesn’t work out, don’t be sad, but be mad, and get even. 


Two great examples are these like-minded, take-charge gals demonstrating their vengeance in India and Brazil, after their respective, prospective grooms-to-be had the gumption to act on their cold feet, and depth charge the looming nupitals.

So fellas, as a word of warning and take away learning point, if you're going to consider the duck and run on your lovely lady, just remember who you're dealing with. You shoulda known this long before you ever considered marrying her.


Another approach is to lawyer up and sue their sorry ass, as recounted here and per below. 


But hey, what does Bob know? He’s just some single guy who’s been to many weddings all over the place and watched the marriage part unfold thereafter, be it good, bad or ugly, as the case may be.

Maybe it’s like funny guy Bill Burr eloquently spells out, and having a think on that whole marriage and longterm relationship thing and what it really means, for your ass, before it’s too late. "Careful you must be," as Yoda would say. 


Then, once cleared that  last hurdle of doubt, you'll hopefully (despite those sobering statistics to the contrary) have a whole lot left to blissfully experience together well into your golden years. 



No matter what your position on marriage and longterm relationships, witty insights and truths abound, together with a lot of laughs, in this here crazy-ass, sarcastic debut novel.


Subject: Hawaii #54 - When lads look for lingerie
(Posted on Sep 21, 2014 at 10:28PM ) Tags:
So you’re out shopping to get your gal some fine underwear or lingerie, and what to do and how to go about it all? If you’ve never gone down that road before, don't despair. It’s really not all that complicated or intimidating.

First, you just better know her size, up top, and down below. That’s VERY important. Some referenced pieces below suggest a strategy there if you need some help. Next, we'll deal with the two basic building blocks for most situations. 

There are many types of bras for up top, and here's a basic array of the styles out there to choose from.
Then for the panties down below, you also want to know the general cut and style preferred, as explained here in words, and seen below. Looking at this matrix from top to bottom, I hear some guys going "Meh…" on Row 1, "Getting a little more interesting” on Row 2, and “Now we talkin'!on Row 3.
Here’s a little video advice to get started, as espoused by a few of the ladies. 



Here are two better, more detailed and helpful written pieces on getting started in this whole area, here and here. There’s generally a ton of information and guidance out there if you want to dig some more.

But the real golden nugget of knowledge here lies with what all of the above or anyone else AIN’T gonna tell you.

That’s where Bob dishes it out to Jock Finn, late at night at a fancy Hawaiian reception, after the lads have some underwear on the brain, as it were. It will deffo win a guy a major future hall pass and/or brownie points from the lady in his life. Unless, like, uhm, he got several on the go. But hey, that angle be for another time, and another chapter in the book, with other characters and discussions. For each and every one he does buy lingerie for though, this tip still applies.

As Bobby Bo discussed with Jock Finn, one important secret sisterhood tip the ladies ain’t usually sharing on lingerie purchasing is this below. As a guy, you need to know. This is deep insight destined for application in the trenches of mandom.

[BNB] “When you’re buying lingerie for your honey, buy a double set of
matching lowers to go with every bra up top.”

[JF] “Why?”

[BNB] “On account of they can wear the top a few times no problem, but
down below, being a bit more squishy squashy and all, they tend to change
the bottoms out more frequently. With two bottoms, the overall set lasts
longer between laundering than with just the one.”


[JF] “You know, that is a good one. As a guy, damned if I’d ever think of that
myself.”

That’s a top tip if ever for the guys out there when it comes to buying this stuff, but may on occasion need to be tempered with the actual retail experience. 

[BNB] "The only practical issue I’ve encountered on occasion is with the salesgirl
in the store; 
sometimes you need to wrassle for that second pair of bottoms. They
tend to not like 
breaking up matching sets and being stuck with a bunch of extra
tops …. 
One way around it—buy a thong, a full-seat jobbie, or a cheeky, along with
the bra. 
It seems to be far less of an issue. But then your honey has to be into those
as opposed 
to just the thong."
 
There's quite a bit more to their actual exchange in the chapter. Bring Bob a problem, and he brings your ass (or her's, perspective dependent) a solution. He ain’t just some single guy hitting weddings around the world. There be a ton of deeper matters delved into about how our big bad world out there works in the shadows. You ain’t gonna be seeing this stuff on TV, learning it in school, or even dropped in some women’s advice column either.

One of your bigger decisions in this purchase process is how much "jingle jangle from Juan’s bol$illo" you want to be  plunking out here, cuz, like, you can drop a lotta dinero on this stuff, depending on your budget, taste, and lust factor at play in the moment, stage or state of the relationship.

And like with anything you do in life, including buying your gal some lingerie, there's a need to pay a little attention to detail, yet not lose focus of the big picture and surroundings, as this fine European ad demonstrates.


Further, when you’re that dude venturing into a lingerie shop somewhere, stay sharp as well, lest you get taken advantage of by some casual chikita banana shopper or salesgirl looking to have some fun at your expense. D'oh, Homer!


Last, this compilation can also be used for even more ideas and style inspiration on the matter if one needs to dig even deeper. 


Now, for the other side of the coin, what about the fellas and their underwear selection stuff? Quick like a bunny, it’s way simpler, as main man rapper MF Doom throws out here on his "Space Ho's" collaboration with Danger Mouse, where they are collectively known as Danger Doom


Note the strategic silence in the lyric line above is paying a bit of homage to Notorious B.I.G. in "Unbelievable," where he raps, ”Wear boxers so my dick can breathe.”

So, ladies, between MF Doom and Biggie, with a little help from Judy Jetson, all y’all got your answer on shopping for your guy down below. Maybe, sorta, kinda ... sometimes.


But you may otherwise find the book way more insightful and entertaining, especially as it comes to some guy's global observations and spin on weddings, marriage, and relationships.



Some names used in this chapter, and indeed generally sprinkled throughout the book, can have special meaning or significance, particularly if one is from a specific country, culture or language tied to the origin of the name.

One of the more obvious character names here is Wade Roe, a reverse  twist on Roe v. Wade, one of the US Supreme Court’s landmark rulings, dating back to the early 70s.

Then you had Wade's longstanding girlfriend, Klytaimnestra Patsatsoglou, which she shortened to Klyta Patsa, and again as needed to just everyday Cleopatra to make it easier for most to pronounce. We'll deal with both names separately, 

Klytaimnestra (a variation on the more common Clytemnestra spelling) [Κλυταιμνήστρα], is a Greek name composed of the elements klytos, "famous, praiseworthy," and mnestria for "wooing," hence "famous for her suitors." In mythology, this is the name of the wife of Agamemnon.

Note that our mythological gal murdered her husband, per the beef she had with him as covered in Homer’s Odyssey. Yet another another classical literature note of caution for the fellows out there to not get on the bad side of da Boss in a big way, once you are married and joined at the hip. 

Now, to deal with her surname, Patsatsoglou, (also spelled Patsatzoglou). The fame connection comes from Christos Patsatzogloua past footballer (or soccer player) for Olympiacos F.C. Generally, Patsa is a Greek "delicacy" soup made of cow (or pork or lamb)  feet and stomach. Patsatsoglou means the son of the patsa maker. Stuff looks pretty enticing, doesn’t it?


You can read more about patsa here in this fine piece so you can work up an appetite.

Then there was the bride’s very long name... 

Ku’ene Penelope Makamae Pe Ts'ai Fook Chang Kaneaiakala

Whoa, whaddup with that moniker mayhem?! Four things got thrown into her naming mix, combining Hawaiian, Chinese, Greek and English elements. 

Ku’ene – "Queen / Queenie" in English.

Penelope - "White shoulder" in English/Gaelic, but also with Greek origins and ties, translating to "Bobbin" and another reference to Homer's Odyssey, as she was the faithful wife of Odysseus.

Makamae – "Precious" or "cherished"

Pe Ts’ai – another name for Chinese cabbage or bok choi / choy. Someone was having a little fun in the name creation department.

The rest of her name string elements threw in some more Chinese and Hawaiian for good measure to plump it out. 


The “precious” part of her name reminds me of this scene with Gollum (originally called Sméagol) from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002). I can just imagine Eala saying something like this to Ku'ene, even if the movie came after the 2001 wedding.



The rest of the bride's family's first names were all a little more straightforward, but ran on a regal / royal line, save for Mama Bear. 

Eala (her father) - meaning/translating to "Earl" from Hawaiian

Kuke (brother #1) - "Duke"

Palonu (brother #2) - "Baron"

Kaula (mother) – "Prophet", a variant of Kaulana (Famous)

And now, to deal with the big Daddy of them all in that chapter, that kool elder shaman kat Bob met toward the end of the evening.

"Keli’i Ku’uaki Kahoohanohano,he introduced himself, "from Kealakekua. That’s on the Kona coast, between Kahaluu-Keauhou and Kahauloa— on the big island."

Keli'i [pronounced as key lee ee] - The Chief

Ku'uaki [koo' oo (w)ah' kee] – Guardian

Kahoohanohano (also possibly Kaho’ohanohano) is a family name seen in Hawaii. 

Note "Kona Coast" as a title has double-down pop culture immortalization from the 1968 film and 1977 Beach Boys song. So, like, it must no doubt be a happening kind of spot.


Hey, when you be making up stuff as some single dude traveling the world for weddings, you kinda sorta need to keep it based in reality, so it’s a little more plausible and palatable. 

There was a trio of Hawaiian words used in the chapter to help all tie this stuff together: kupuna ("elder" most simply), kanoa ("commoner" generally, but also, "free one" if a first name), and kahuna (Hawaiian shaman,or a preeminent person / thing in the mainstream)

This golden oldie (written in 1933), "My Little Grass Shack in Kealakekua, Hawaii", plays into some of the K-name and -location kookiness in the book with its tropical setting. This caps off today's Hawaiian lesson, with dollops of Greek and Chinese thrown into the soup for added global flavor. 

Subject: Hawaii #54 - Celebrity Cross-match
(Posted on Mar 29, 2014 at 03:02PM ) Tags:
Wade Roe laid out the rules pretty plainly for his favorite L.A. bar game, Celebrity Cross-match, in that chapter. Okay, maybe it's a little obvious he was named after Roe v. Wade, so that one wasn’t much of an Easter Egg after all, but it may have slipped by a few folks. 

As Wade saw it, the game was much more fun and challenging than a more typical, and boring, random celebrity spotting in and around L.A. This variant required a little more quick-on-your-feet thinking and some imagination. Per his decree in the book, any twofold hybrid worked that best fit a target’s description, be it a same-sex or male-female fusion. The odd triple-mix combination was rarely permitted, as were easy dead ringer solo shots, but they were not mainstay.

In this small way, everybody was a celebrity—and if everybody was a celebrity, then nobody was a celebrity.

Sounds simple enough, but let’s put theory into practice. Here are a few examples with characters taken from that very wedding chapter, as this easily distracted single guest’s mind was prone to wandering all over the place.

1) The bride that day, Ku’ene Penelope Makamae Pe Ts'ai Fook Chang Kaneaiakala, was Anne Hathaway meets Joan Chen.
Whaddup with her über–long name too?


2) Her Mom, Paula, was Imelda Marcos crossed with Ann B. Davis of The Brady Bunch TV series fame.



3) Dad, Eala, mashed up Gregory Peck with Herman Wedemeyer (Duke, on the original Hawaii Five-O series). Note for all you detail sticklers, the original series was named with the letter "O" in the title, and the current modern-day resurrection uses the number zero "0" for sly and subtle differentiation.




4) Wade Roe was a younger Christopher Lee meets Ben Affleck..



5) Best man Isaiah Washington was pegged as Morris Chestnut morphed with Ving Rhames.



6) And, saving the best for last, perhaps Wade’s sharpest shot ever, from one night long ago at James' Beach, in Venice, CA, was a Carrot Top (aka Scott Thompson) fused with Kenny G combinaton sighted across the room from where we were hanging out nursing cocktails along.



And, if you're bored or have a little idle time on your hands, you can morph and muck about on your own at MorphThing.com.

Every now and again, if it fits, some folks get by with a pure-play, solo shot, like Jock Finn doubling for Rob Schneider. And that’s the real deal.

Here's the scoop on Reverend X from the "Spirit of Truth" / "One Man Show", as discussed (and danced thereafter) in Hawaii #54 between Lamont Lewis and Isaiah Washington in the early part of  wedding day in the hotel suite.

 

If only church was like this, then maybe more people (like me) would go, let alone believe. Now this cat knew how to deliiver a sermon, and with some kool steppin' to close it all off. These are the funny stories and things that come to light when one attends weddings all over. The (Spirit of) Truth is out there, if you care to find it.