funny wedding books novel amazon.com Wedding Chronicles Bob N. Boguslavski
Subject: Iceland #71 - Olfactory offense
(Posted on Dec 29, 2014 at 03:18PM ) Tags:
After an overnight flight, you're in a car for a couple hours in remote Iceland on your way to a wedding at the end of August 2003, when suddenly you're attacked by Dr. LoveSexy from his perch in the passenger seat.

The Dr. looked at me, paused for a moment of cerebral reflection, sniffed, and
turned his upper torso toward the door.
"Monopoly this." He loudly expunged a
wet-sounding anal burp that reverberated with a slow and sloppy staccato.

His anal elocution was not to be confused with anal electrocution, which was
an altogether different experience, although the latter could feasibly stimulate
the former. Both prove the maxim
"it is better to give than to receive."
Eeeew. This was the real deal. Noxious fumes hung in the air, unlike my
Terrance and Philip jest with George Johnson two weeks ago.

Edwin may well have left behind a brown racing stripe inside his skivvies with
this one.
"Beavis-cum-Cornholio, 'your bunghole just went ra ka ka ka. You may
need TP for your bunghole,'"I said, trying not to breathe. That was some crazy
bum cum hum. I labeled it so from a sonic perspective, being inclined to
sporadically spawn such silly Seussisms.

He completely had me. I was not equipped at this very second to fire a volley
in reprisal.
The war was over with one shot, and you were dead. Jar that up in
mass quantity, and one had credible replacements for those problematic
missing Weapons of (M)Ass Destruction not yet found in Iraq.

Hey, shit happens. Whether you call it farting, tooting, anal burping, queefing, or anything else, you need to deal with it. Want to expand your vocabulary on the matter? Here's a good HuffPo piece with 150 terms and Fart Names additionally describes them by type and adds other euphemisms to the mix.

The skinny on the buried Beavis-cum-Cornholio references (as taken from that classic Beavis and Butt-head series on MTV) and that sound bite from the book above are seen in these two clips below.


Bob digs deep on all the things that really matter, even if he's just some single guy skipping merrily off to weddings all around the world.

Humans do it--men and women both, so don't let the prettier, better and oft-smarter sex tell you they don't play in this space.



This scene from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle clearly demonstrates this capability. Hey, it must be true if it's in a movie, after all.


Female "bottom burps" may even pack more punch than their male-generated counterparts per here and here. Note that it appears some people actually specialize in this area of study--go figure! From a science perspective, here's a great little video that talks about everything you wanted to know about flatulence, and then some more. Impress friend, family, and foe alike (although sometimes these category labels can overlap) with these new-found kernels of knowledge.


Other animals do it too, and here's a Top 10 list on it. The Fart Facts lists a bunch of great informaton on the matter. All the scoop on the poop, so to speak, pardon the pun. Here's yet another piece from The Guardian newspaper that speaks to the medicinal powers of those petite puffs of personal perfumed pleasure.

As with many things out there in the world that one can ingest or experience, a little bit is just fine, but you can also be in danger if exposed to too much. Talk about WMD, or in this case per below, WAD, may be the more apropos tag.


This is the vaunted "blue angel" experience, which is not to be confused with the Blue Angels, unless the latter be doing the former while flying in formation, which would be kinda kool, one supposes.



To close off today's topic of global significance, and in keeping with the spirit of the season, don't feel shy to "Honk your horn."


Happy Holidaze (Holz) Y'all,
or HaHoY'a, in concatenated short form.

Bob made this up for your ass.
Subject: Mustique #47 - Deconstructing that preposterous 'p' perversion
(Posted on Nov 15, 2014 at 01:52PM ) Tags:
You're on vacation on a luxe tropical island, and it's midmorning on your sister's wedding day when one of your British cohort offers up a local St. Vincent Hairoun lager to get the day going after breakfast.


Hey, it's always night time somewhere, and that's the way this lot rolled, especially Paine "Pongo" Lytton-Renworth. So you just go with the flow.

[PPLR] "In your case, this should act as prescient parallel post-party palliative and preemptive pre-party potation."

[BNB] "That's a plethora of p-p-ps, Pongo. Ten. Well done."

[PPLR] "I take pains to perform and please."

[BNB] "But not as many as in, say, uhm, uhhh...Peter Pocklington picked a peck of pickled Popocatepetl peppers with a passel of partisan professional paella peddlers from Pontevedra province peripheral to Portugal."

[PPLR] "Good heavens. What preposterous p profligacy."

So just what was Bob's crazy-ass parade of 'p' words all about? The basic building block is that classic tongue twister about Peter Piper, which is included in the Mother Goose collection of rhymes.


Of course Bob, being the eccentric and twisted character he is, had to go jazz that up a bit for adults and take it one step further. So let's look at those elements one at a time.

First, about that Peter Pocklington cat (we'll abbreviate him as PePo) ... if you ain't a certain age and don't hail from Canuckistan, you are likely not going to know of our man who used to own the Edmonton Oilers ice hockey team from 1976 to 1998.


For those not in the sports know, that type of hockey is kinda different from that other hockey some folks play with a curvy stick on grass or artificial turf. Per below, you decide which one is better; not that Bob has any personal preference or bias at all. It's kinda just like how the mainstream media reports the news.




Now, back to PePo, who was perhaps most (in)famous for signing Wayne Gretzky to the team in 1978 and then later trading his ass to Los Angeles in 1988. Hey, shit happens in pro sports, and that's the way the ball bounces or puck passes. It's about da bidni$$, Bobbolin(o/a), and maximizing value on a "depreciating asset." Get over it. Local folks in Edmonton at the time of the trade wuz real pissed though.


They sometimes also used to call our PePo guy Peter Puck (and Peter Puke for a bit post trade), but he sure as shit wasn't the original NHL Peter Puck that Bob remembers as a kid.


Note that in those good old daze, folks playing the game mostly didn't wear helmets either, and they only became mandatory in 1979. Back in that period, even wearing car seatbelts wasn't yet legislated either.

Popocatepetl? That's the active Mexican volcano, most properly spelled with the accent included as Popocatépetl, for those that need to be (anally) accurate.


This video below from 2013 shows a UFO ducking down into the active volcano. Perhaps they were looking for our guy PePo and them pepper pickers cum paella peddlers.


Passel is just some fancypants word for pack, as in a large group of an indeterminate number of people. How big? Who knows ... and who cares really. It was all about the 'p' sound stuff anyway at the time. Maybe that and Bob wanting to mess with Pongo's head a bit.

Then we had the bit about the paella, that famous Spanish dish with a long history, and some folks who were selling the stuff in a certain part of Spain. Yo, check out these big-ass paella pans being used.



Pontevedra is both a Spanish city and a province. It's the province that touches Portugual per this map below.


Note that Pontevedra makes way more sense in the whole tongue twister equation, than, erhm, say other provincial places in the world like Perugia or Pampanga. Hey, it's entirely plausible that if you wanted special peppers to put in your paella, be they pickled or not, you would do as these folks did, even if you had to go a very long way away to get them, and then bring them back to Spain for the preparation and subsequent peddling in province.

And as for our guy PePo being there at the volcano, maybe he was still in hiding after the whole Gretzy trade debacle and his other follow-on business activities that may not have worked out exactly the way he intended.

Bob always strives to bring you things of consequence in our world, even if he's just some single stumblebum attending weddings around the world, and randomly spewing stuff out on the fly. Bob's take on Peter Piper still isn't as good as the Run-D.M.C. rap take on it and other nursery rhymes from 1986.




Subject: Amman #52 - Spelling that guy's name
(Posted on Oct 21, 2014 at 05:34PM ) Tags:
So while Bob was bopping around Amman in 2000 for a wedding, one of the things in the back of his mind was the murkiness surrounding the multitude of English name spellings for that famed Libyan leader, Muammar Gaddafi.

I could progress one day to the myriad spellings of everyone's good
friend and drinking buddy-cum-regional strongman, Colonel Qaddafi.
Or was it Gadafi? Qudhafi works. El Kazzafi anyone? It's Qadhdhafi too,
McNumbNuts. Surely it was clearer and simpler in Arabic.

One kick at the proverbial can here was clearly not enough, and Bob came back for a second run at it later on in the chapter.

Revisiting Libya's Colonel naming confusion, there was much yet still to
master. Muammar Al-Gathafi? Omar Mouammer Al Gaddafi? For added
measure, Qathafi, Mu'Ammar el 70. May his moniker mayhem morph some
more with Mulazim Awwal Mu'ammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Qadhafi
added to the pile.

That last variant seems to be the longest naming version on record for our esteemed leader.


It seems the complexity of getting his name right in English centers around his name as pronounced in Arabic and not being able to properly transcribe it across into English letters, something referred to as transliteration. This short video encapsulates some of those spellings.


"No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi's name. He's like the Hanukkah of dictators. - Jimmy Kimmel

Five pieces all from 2011 jump into glorious detail on the matter as evinced below.

1) Time Magazine

2) Dictionary.com

3) Business Insider

4) The Economist

5) Good Magazine

ABC dug deep in 2009 to come up with 112 different spellings. We won't bother to list them all here but they are in that piece for all those that just need the full Monty there. The visualization below may possibly be the handiest device out there for compactly laying out his name spelling variants.



Then this other cat tried to get a little analytical on the subject here based on search results, focusing only on the surname, and forgetting about his first name. He was able to get it down to 41 from the 112 above, but there's still some serious long tail action going on.


There are a lot of possibilities at play here at each step along the way per below, and looks like even more spelling options than the simple visualization above.


This StraightDope piece from 1986 tried to tackle the matter as well. Perhaps, best and simplest for all (in the English language anyway), would have been as Bob thought about it during the wedding reception.
One solution--having the Colonel talk to , aka TAFKaP,
back in the day when said artist went through that phase.
A timely connection between the two characters regarding
naming guidance and simple symbolism could have made things
much easier for all in the world regarding the Libyan
's label.

This fuzzy (yet still legible) photo of his son Mohammed's passport may yield some clues as to how his old man hay have had his name spelled in his own passport. Yet another surprising version at play here with Al Gathafi.


In addition to having a name with multiple spellings, he was also a man of many titles at various points in time, be they self-appointed or not. Among them: King of (African) Kings, Imam of Muslims, Dean of African Rulers, Leader of the Revolution, Keeper of Arab Nationalism, and more informally perhaps, The Colonel. There was also that whole special fashion swagger he had, but that is probably best left for a whole separate analysis together with Prince lumped into the same boat.

And as with many celebrities, the ravages of time can take their toll on one's outward-facing aesthetics. But it looks like our main man took that aspect in stride and let nature do its thing, and not try and fight it with repeated bouts of cosmetic surgery that make folks look like some exotic stretched Asian feline. Give him credit for that.


Anyway, with all this confusion and no definitive resolution on such a small, discrete spelling matter, ain't no wonder we got no peace in the Middle Crease. Maybe we should all just use the Araboc version of our main man for the sake of clarity, consistency and simplicity. 

معمر محمد أبو منيار القذافي‎

This is what happens when you're some single punter hitting weddings all over the globe with different cultures and languages at play.




In keeping with the name game practice of hidden meanings and/or famous references sprinkled throughout the book, some of the characters in this beachside wedding chapter down Mexico way circa winter 1996 fall into ths category.

There was a porpoiseful [sic] musical theme going on with the names of Bob's former classmates that attended from Europe, whether they be Dutch, Norwegian, Cuban or Spanish by origin. They were all lumped together in a single sentence in gang-of-five fashion.

There was Anouk ter Eeuw, Dutch, here on vacation with a female friend of hers,
Norwegian Morten Furuholmen, his Cuban wife Ana Cristina, and from Barcelona,
Jaume Sisa, with his wife Mal
ú, which was short for Maria Lucia.

Here's the deal on all of the names and references therein.

1) Anouk ter Eeuw was a play on Dutch singer Anouk (Teeuwe). She's probably best remembered for 1997's "Nobody's Wife" and picked no doubt for the marital theme there, and perhaps the blonde hair in common with Birgitta Henriksen at the time.


Her surname, ter Eeuw, translates from Dutch meaning "for centuries" and sums up how long Bob felt the two-week vacation and wedding trip had seemingly dragged on for with girlfriend Birgitta at the time.

2) Morten Furuholmen and Norway are the clues for the take on A-ha from back in 1985, and their biggest hit "Take on Me". This was a combination of the names of two of its three members, Morten Harket (vocals) and Magne Furuholmen (keyboards). Hey, bad on Bob for not working in third member Pål Waaktaar (guitarist), but hey, Paul had a few variants on his name it seems, so it was kept simple.


3) Ana Cristina borrows the name of current day singer-songwriter of Cuban descent, Ana Cristina (Alvarez). But in 1996, our real-life, yet-to-be entertainer was not even 11 years old at the time of the wedding, so Bob just time-traveled her name back as needed. Yo, artistic license allows for this kind of crap anyhoo. It's Bob's book, and he can do whatever he wants.


4) Jaume Sisa and Malú (Maria Lucia), the couple from Barcelona, were named after the two Spanish singers. Our guy definitely has his own style, and defines himself as "Galactic." Makes one wonder if any alien abduction stuff is at play here. Her style is a little more conventional, and she's the niece of Paco De Lucía, the renowned guitarist, and daughter of the flamenco singer, Pepe De Lucía. There be a whole lot of music going on in that family.


In aggregate, Bob was going with names that fit with the countries of origin, and not necessarily that the music by some of these artists, if a little mellow jello at times by some folks' judgment, grooved with his own personal taste. Currently, Bob is more likely to be listening to something more energetic and punchy, or a little Austin Powers shagadelic and groovy, Baby, just like these two tunes.


5) Last, but not least, for non pop-culture, bookworm types, I threw in a solitary literary reference in this chapter with Juan Rulfo, who was named after the Mexican author (1917 - 1986), screenwriter and photographer of note. His character in the book is the Mexican friend of the bride's family, who worked as an economist in Phoenix. He was the guy mixing up the micheladas that afternoon and pouring out the fine tequila later in the evening.


Sometimes you go with fame, and sometimes you go with a name that just sounds really kool. From the sporting world, in this latter category, the likes of Coco Crisp, Dick Trickle, Fabian Assmann and I.M. Hipp spring to mind and provide for inspiration there. With names like that, it makes one wonder if they actually "are" and/or "do" when met live in-person.



Bob is saving a few of these neater sounding (but completely fabricated) names for the next two instalments in the trilogy. Here's a prime tandem example to come.

Jack Goff and Holden Hiscockthey were the best of friends.

There's also gonna be some cat called Chris Peacock and a "chikita banana" named Selena Goodhead. As regards the banana angle in that expression, it was covered off in detail here recently.

Hey, don't look at Bob that way regarding all this movie-based naming innuendo! It's all in keeping with tradition and the likes of Alotta Fagina from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997), on down to Dr. Holly Goodhead from Moonraker (1979) and even further back to Pussy Galore in Goldfinger (1964).


One would need to do some much deeper research to see if this goes back even earlier than the start of the first Bond flick Dr. No (1962), or predating Ian Fleming's original book series.

Bob's all-time favorite with this naming convention comes from the same Fagina bin, in this scene from Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002), with Austin going Japanese (in stereo to boot, for added aural fidelity) with them sassy twins Fook Mi and Fook Yu. There's so much more to this scene between the dialogue, body language / physicality, visuals and even Austin's ten-deep bucket list, the details of which are listed here if one is so-ever curious and discerning to dig deep on them there devilish details.


There's alotta good material to play with here, and so little time.

So sayeth Bob N. Boguslavski, some single guy meeting all kinds of interesting people at weddings around the planet. With a name like his, makes you wonder if it's real. But then all you have to do is compare his name to some of those last ones above, and you ain't gonna be spinning many cerebral cycles for long.

After all, as stated at the start of the novel, "this is a work of f(r)iction, where fact and fiction rub up against each other, and nobody wants to know it regardless."



Unique funny read

This is a very unique and interesting concept, and a book that is exceptionally well written. Boguslavski has a talent to string words together, such that it's easy and most pleasant reading. His sense of humour is often riotously funny! There's an incredible attention to detail on many aspects of the setting. The descriptions of food and drink got my complete and total attention ... delicious! Having said that, other detailed narratives on items such as wedding party fashion and architecture had much less appeal to me, were a bit much and I wanted to move on. Female readers may well find the bridal fashion angle much more interesting than I did. The inclusion of global current events of the day mixed into the backdrop are thought-provoking and add depth to the overall story. Bottom line ... a great book I thoroughly enjoyed.

Rating: 5 / 5 *

Original Posting: Lewe77 | August 23, 2014 | Source: Apple iBooks (CA)

The close of this chapter set in 1994 features a brief exchange centered around bananas.

A global spat on banana distribution had erupted in late 1993 between the US and EU. This informative piece lays out the playing field nicely. On one side, you had your American-owned Latin American companies pumping out larger-sized bananas, and on the other side, you had European-owned enterprises that operated in many former colonies of Africa, the Caribbean, and Pacific with smaller-sized bananas. As for taste and texture preferences and differences, it wasn't about that. At stake was importation into different global markets, and a tussle over tariffs and quotas.

It was all kind of like a "my banana be better (if not bigger) than your banana" battle.


Maybe the Germans had the right attitude with "just let the consumer decide," but of course that would have been too easy and logical. As tall Dutchman Ruud de Cock presciently commented,

"If we can't even fix bananas, how we can fix all the other serious matters in
the world? The banana battle is only getting started, but will take years to
solve. You
'll see."

Ruud knew the drill, and it only took like nearly 20 years to sort this shit out per here and a more detailed breakdown here.

German Karl Kurt Kottelwesch (aka K-Kube) dropped a pearl on all when he talked about the optimum method monkeys use to peel a banana, one which many humans are not aware of. This video shows it ain't rocket science, Corky. Look and learn. If you really are fascinated by this then you can also check out this WikiHow covering the eight methods to peel one, and wow foe and friend alike with deep MacGyver-like insight.


The US-EU spat t wasn't the only banana battle it seems. The Velvet Underground had Andy Warhol's famed banana design on the cover of their 1967 debut album with Nico. A lawsuit erupted in 2012 and took 18 months to settle per here and here. It was good to see that as the trade banana dispute was winding down, there was another banana themed dispute to take its place. Maybe that was by "design," pardon the pun.


If setting bananas straight took so long, is anybody surprised we can't resolve more complicated world matters like peace in the Middle Crease, pretending that climate change ain't happening, and increasing global inequality. Go figure. We'll all be waiting a very long friggin' time to deal with everything else. Either that, or the powers that be steering the ship just want it that way. Cuz , like, when it's "heads I win, tails you lose," they can play that game all day long and always come out ahead.

Perhaps it makes as much sense as this little ditty, as taken from Despicable Me 2, featuring The Minions, and their take on the Beach Boys song Barbara Ann.


For those with an ever-inquisitive mind and dying to know what language this is, here's a link to some background on Minionese, and some more on the specific lyrics.

Then, there are these banana commercials, ranging from a 1940s classic through to ones from modern day Japan and Australia.


N.B. Somebody who penned a novel and utilized "chikita banana" as a reference for a woman (making his female editor's skin crawl every time it came up) may have been inspired by this vintage ad. Or maybe it was just pure coink-e-dink.





The fellas also gotta like these topical banana-based words of wisdom. So true, but it makes Bob wonder about what the preceding 391 rules are.

Source: QuickLol

Chikita bananas, on the other hand, can get away with THAT all day long, and the world comes to a stop.


Get your mind out of the gutter. It's all about the fruit, Bobbolin(o/a), and proper technique. Truth be told, most guys will not be bothering to correct them on their peeling technique as Karl Kurt pointed out above. As the Pink Floyd Dole ad above declared, "if you feel it, peel it." Bob sure digs the double entendre going on with that tagline.

After all of the above. know that bananas be bidni$$ too, and now that the trade tiff has been settled, consolidation is in the air, as evidenced here by the attempted acquisition action going down between Chiquita, Fyffes and some Brazilians in Cutrale and the Safra Group wading into the fray of late. Maybe the Brazzies are pissed cuz of their showing at the World Cup. In the end, they may all still figure out a way to get cozy together and mix $$$ with bananas and oranges.


Bob be diggin' deep, to bring you the skinny on matters of consequence in our world, when he ain't busy as some single prat traveling the world attending weddings.



Subject: Prologue - St-Louis-du-Ha! Ha!
(Posted on Aug 12, 2014 at 04:48PM ) Tags:
When a place has a unique name like this one, it sticks in your head. In Bob's case, St-Louis-du-Ha! Ha! goes back decades to when he was a teenager and working with some old guy called Lulu as mentioned at the start of Wedding Chronicles.


Where does the name come from and what does it mean? It's a small place in the province of Quebec and it appears the basic origins of the name are derived from an old French word, ha-ha, for an unexpected obstacle, as explained here in this Condé Nast Traveler piece. More on the word etymology can be found here and here, focusing on the "wall" aspect.

Note its location on the map just above Maine, so maybe, one day, if deemed of strategic importance like Crimea (or just because it has a really kool name), the whole area could be annexed by America.


The place's main claim to fame seems to be that it is the only settlement name in the world with two exclamation points. There is Westward Ho! In Devon, England, but with only one exclamation point at play, it's not nearly the same and must be only half as good. There are actually three other names in Quebec with the same telltale "Ha! Ha!" action going down, with a pair of Baie des Ha! Ha! (bay) and a Rivière Ha! Ha! (river). The double-down bay name in particular reminds Bob of a related posting months back on the repetitive (and confusing) usage of Saint(e)-Francois(e) throughout the province historically.

So apart from the name itself, what else is kool, groovy and interesting about this place? Ever inquisitive, Bob did a little digging in both English and French. The town has its own basic website, but is in French only alas, so guess they aren't really trying to push the global tourism thing. Remember, we're in Quebec after all. Français seulement, mon ami (French only, my friend).

A few touristy type things are listed on the town's website with a big park, garden, campground on nearby Lac Dôle (lake), golf course, and an astronomy center in the local area. Note this last element is even nailed prominently in the local coat of arms.


Hey, if all that doesn't excite you to go visit the place, maybe this stuff does, going back to 2012 and a boucane or "burnout" festival of sorts. It appears this has been held there at least a couple times now. Schweet!


No doubt this is another way to get your town on the map. Maybe this kind of enthralling activity turns your crank big time, but it's not worth the trip for most, especially if the distance is large and you have better things to do. Hey, when you're cracking 1,318 on the population front, there can't be that much going on most of the time, or even on a Saturday night for that matter.

Bob tried to dig a little deeper for even more exciting stuff going on there, but didn't really come up with anything more of note. Go figure. Bob be trying his best here, to put global hotspots in their best possible light and with pository marketing spin.

Sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do, like some single guy who keeps hitting weddings all around the world. Call it what you will, be it hobby, affliction, or maybe it all just happened by coink-e-dink. And no, Bob hasn't been to a wedding in Saint.-Louis-du-Ha! Ha!, but otherwise has been to another place about half that population size, somewhere deep in remote Canuckistan. That one, #93, is for the second book in the trilogy.



Some names used in this chapter, and indeed generally sprinkled throughout the book, can have special meaning or significance, particularly if one is from a specific country, culture or language tied to the origin of the name.

One of the more obvious character names here is Wade Roe, a reverse twist on Roe v. Wade, one of the US Supreme Court's landmark rulings, dating back to the early 70s.

Then you had Wade's longstanding girlfriend, Klytaimnestra Patsatsoglou, which she shortened to Klyta Patsa, and again as needed to just everyday Cleopatra to make it easier for most to pronounce. We'll deal with both names separately.

Klytaimnestra (a variation on the more common Clytemnestra spelling) is a Greek name composed of the elements klytos, for "famous, praiseworthy," and mnestria for "wooing," hence "famous for her suitors." In mythology, this is the name of the wife of Agamemnon.

Note that our mythological gal murdered her husband, per the beef she had with him as covered in Homer's Odyssey. Yet another another classical literature note of caution for the fellows out there to not get on the bad side of da Boss in a big way, once you are married and joined at the hip.

Now, to deal with her surname, Patsatsoglou, (also spelled Patsatzoglou). The fame connection comes from Christos Patsatzoglou, a past footballer (or soccer player) for Olympiacos F.C. Generally, Patsa is a Greek "delicacy" soup made of cow (or pork or lamb), feet and stomach. Patsatsoglou means the son of the patsa maker. Stuff looks pretty enticing, doesn't it?


You can read more about patsa here in this fine piece so you can work up an appetite.

Then there was the bride's very long name...

Ku'ene Penelope Makamae Pe Ts'ai Fook Chang Kaneaiakala

Whoa, whaddup with that moniker mayhem?! Four things got thrown into her naming mix, combining Hawaiian, Chinese, Greek and English elements.

Ku'ene - "Queen / Queenie" in English.

Penelope - "White shoulder" in English/Gaelic, but also with Greek origins and ties, translating to "weaver" and another reference to Homer's Odyssey, as she was the faithful wife of Odysseus.

Makamae - "Precious" or "cherished"

Pe Ts'ai - another name for Chinese cabbage or bok choi / choy. Someone was having a little fun in the name creation department.

The rest of her name string elements threw in some more Chinese and Hawaiian for good measure to plump it out.


The "precious" part of her name reminds Bob of this scene with Gollum (originally called Smeagol) from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002). Bob can just imagine Eala saying something like this to Ku'ene, even if the movie came after the 2001 wedding.



The rest of the bride's family's first names were all a little more straightforward, but ran on a regal / royal line, save for Mama Bear.

Eala (her father) - meaning/translating to "Earl" from Hawaiian

Kuke (brother #1) - "Duke"

Palonu (brother #2) - "Baron"

Kaula (mother) - "Prophet", a variant of Kaulana (Famous)

And now, to deal with the big Daddy of them all in that chapter, that kool elder shaman kat Bob met toward the end of the evening.

"Keli'i Ku'uaki Kahoohanohano," he introduced himself, "from Kealakekua.
That
's on the Kona coast, between Kahaluu-Keauhou and Kahauloa, on the
big island.
"

Keli'i [pronounced as key lee ee] - The Chief

Ku'uaki [koo' oo (w)ah' kee] - Guardian

Kahoohanohano (also possibly Kaho'ohanohano) is a family name seen in Hawaii.

Note "Kona Coast" as a title has double-down pop culture immortalization from the 1968 film and 1977 Beach Boys song. So, like, it must no doubt be a happening kind of spot.


Hey, when you be making up stuff as some single dude traveling the world for weddings, you kinda sorta need to keep it based in reality, so it's a little more plausible and palatable.

There was a trio of Hawaiian words used in the chapter to help all tie this stuff together: kupuna ("elder" most simply), kanoa ("commoner" generally, but also, "free one" if a first name), and kahuna (Hawaiian shaman, or a preeminent person / thing in the mainstream)

This golden oldie (written in 1933), "My Little Grass Shack in Kealakekua, Hawaii", plays into some of the K-name and -location kookiness in the book with its tropical setting. This caps off today's Hawaiian lesson, with dollops of Greek and Chinese thrown into the soup for added global flavor.

Subject: Singapore #77 - Sussin' symbiosis
(Posted on Jul 19, 2014 at 12:10PM ) Tags:
Edwin M. Terry, aka Dr. LoveSexy, stated at one point in this wedding chapter:

"People fall into three categorie--pimps, hos, and hustlers."

He was commenting on how the world works, and the people in it. So what was he on about?

One could add "players" to the above mix, as Xzibit did in his rap ditty "What U See Is What U Get" but Dr. LoveSexy was keeping things more basic.


Given this song title, Bob was reminded of WYSIWYG from the realm of IT, but it's not far off topic. Anyway, back to our line in the book, where Edwin likened his view of people and their positions cum pecking order in the world to be not dissimilar to that of Gary Johnston's one in Team America: World Police. Gary pours it all out in this classic scene to an audience of global dignitaries. Hey, he's an actor, right, just like Raygun Ronnie (Reagan).




And then after all that, somebody had to add:

"The world was a better place when that fine balance between mutualistic and
commensal symbiosis was achieved."

So whaddat in plain English? Mutualism is when both/all species in a relationship benefit, and commensalism being when one benefits, but the other(s) doesn't (don't) benefit or get harmed significantly. Now you can ponder that statement a bit more. More general scoop on the symbiosis poop can be found here, for any science-curious types.




Parasitism was left out of the mix that day, cuz, well, that ain't making the world a better place, unless you be like, erhm, part of that Illuminati / NWO / Bilderberg crowd and their philosophy. That's the straight dope on humanity and our world. However, that ball of wax is best left for another time. Just so you know, NWO is NOT to be confused with them infinitely kooler N.W.A. katz.


You can make this stuff about how people are in the world as complicated as need be, depending on your frame of mind and who you're discussing it with, but at the end of the day, Gary Johnston and Dr. LoveSexy got it down right.

And whaddup with the spelling of "hos" going on here? There's debate on whether the plural of ho be hos, hoes, or ho's, per these pieces, here, here, and here. Go figure. No wonder the nightly news ain't accurate neither. After some discussion and diligence on this spelling matter, with my editor, she agreed and was like, "Yo, bro', hos be best." As a bonus, it's the shortest too.

Let's also not forget about the classic, family-friendly Holiday "Ho" too. Maybe a little out of season at the height of summer, but retailers are already geared up for it, rest assured.


This spelling subtopic on hos might conceptually displease some folks. For any complaints that may arise, this single guy traveling our planet for wedding adventures turns to this galactically wise chap here for input and spiritual guidance.

Subject: Epilogue - Dangerous Destination Dos
(Posted on Jul 9, 2014 at 08:41AM ) Tags:
Just as that mysterious Max chap was trying to plan around some undesired scenarios that could potentially unfold at some super-secret, high-end wedding in Mexico, it was advocated by yours truly, posing as some bobo advice columnist, that he put some protective measures in place.

In life, you can plan until the cows come home, but stuff may still not go down according to your intentions. Shit happens!

And so, even in this Mexican wedding setting, it was presciently suggested everybody be packing, from the wedding couple on down to the bridal party, guests, and all staffers. That way, if the big day got overturned by some unwelcome wedding crashers, folks wuz prepared and all.

.

However, if things go sideways, the scene could unravel like these famous cinematic scenes, just amped up somewhat in real life, what with potentially hundreds of armed folks in the mix on all sides.



And then, as someone postulated, "If miscalculated, the scene could unravel and go down faster than a piñata at Carlos Slim Helu's surprise 50th birthday party." But then, even THAT might not go down per plan as these videos nicely indicate. Whenever humanity is involved, one can never count on anything gettin' done right and being on point.




Clearly, this crew of cats celebrating their event somewhere in Saudi Arabia has it all going on.


Fashion, functionalty, and firepower can all be artfully combined to realize the vision and passion of the day you've always dreamed of. Really, it's all about how you accessorize in the end.

Bottomline, don't let the prospect of a little geopolitical instability ruin your perfect day in paradise. Ladies, just step up, Lean In, and "pack" accordingly for your destination wedding and the "climate" at hand.

"War is hell" and some, let alone many, say marriage is too, several years on. But don't let the glory of wedding day be ruined by subpar preparation. Even if you can't afford to hire the likes of Max from Credenhill and a coterie of his ilk, you can manage well enough on your own in most cases with LOTS of friends and family.


The seemingly omnipotent NRA would undoubtedly bless all this, no matter where your special day is, be it Throckmorton, Texas; Tagtabazar, Turkmenistan; Tabuk; Timbuktu; Tecacahuaco; Thiruvananthapuram; Tweebuffelsmeteenskootmorsdoodgeskietfontein, or Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu. Yeah, I know, go put that mouthful of places in your pipe and smoke 'em.

Some stuff in the world just seems to transcend the barriers of culture and language, kinda just like love. Geez, you got BNB getting all mushy and sentimental here.


That's what this single hombre kat traveling the world for weddings has to say on the matter.