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Subject: Los Angeles #70 - BFF Neighbo(u)rs
(Posted on Jan 15, 2015 at 08:41PM ) Tags:
You're at some wedding in Greater LA just after the Blackout of 2003 took out a big chunk of the Northeast on both sides of the border, when the following comes up in conversation about supposed neighboring BFF countries, Canuckistan and Amerika.


"Canada is America's invisible, steady, safe-sex partner. The Beaver's only too happy
to just bend over and take it like any good bum buddy. One day, we'll just take the
place over," said Jock.

"That won't happen," said Wade.

"It's not imaginable at this very moment, but go back almost 200 years. We attacked
and invaded Canada in 1812. Then, in the 1930s, there was an attack plot--War Plan
Red," said Jock.

"OK, I'll give you that. Canuckistan even had its own cockamamie preemptive plot to
invade south before that, in the 20s--Defence Scheme No. 1."

"You never know how quickly close friends can become enemies, or vice versa," said Lamont.

"Betcha there's still some super-secret-squirrel crank Yank plan in the works under
the
guise of liberating Canada one day from its socialist left-wing tyranny--for water
and
oil. But," said Wade, "that's another topic altogether."

"We'd still graciously let you keep all the hockey rinks, polar bears, maple syrup, and
McKenzie brother tuques you'd need," Jock said. "America's munificence is unbounded."

So whaddup with all that?

Not only was Canada attacked as mentioned in the War of 1812, there was an earlier invasion in 1775, and the series of Fenian Raids between 1866 - 1871. Okay, so maybe America officially wasn't involved in these last raids, but it appears they looked the other way. Yeah, go figure like that tactic of tacit approval ain't never been used since by nobody.

The skinny on War Plan Red and Defence Scheme No. 1 are in the links and are also summarized below.



Canada has, like, stuff, and shit, as this informative website lays out. Another interesting but much more serious spin on the topic, both historically, and with a modern day slant, can be found here.



The pretense of war could all shake out just like this in Canadian Bacon. It doesn't take much to start a war, and today, most folks seem to believe what they see and hear on TV about world events unfolding as depicted and being accurate.


Or maybe it will go down as it did in South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut. It all started from that fine flick the kids saw, Asses of Fire, as previously covered in a blog post here (see Step 2). Next, the kids' behavior gets modified, Kyle's Mom goes apeshit, scapegoats are created, and war breaks out easy breezy before you can say "Bob's your uncle."


That's when the propaganda machine revs into overdrive and feeds the masses pulp to fan the flames of patriotism and doing the right thing.


Bob's basic premise is that if invasion plans like that existed historically, they certainly exist now. They could now be camouflaged under different guises of economic harmonization, secure perimeter integration and other stuff like, uhm, say protecting against the coming zombie apocalypse as elaborated on below in Canada's Parliamentary House of Commons. Bob be only bringing your ass the important stuff.


Or maybe it will be about the ever au courant, contrived and poorly named War on Terror, really about a state of mind when you think about it. Everything's relative, depending on your perspective.


But if shit shakes out either way down the road, here are some great ideas for a new flag, depending on how the "union" goes.



But really, some others at higher levels are really looking to have things all end up like this below, as taken from that classic 1964 Kubrick masterpiece, Dr. Strangelove.Bob digs this scene, as our man Slim Pickens, playing the role of Major T.J. "King" Kong,rides it out to the end and goes out with a bang. Yee haw! He shares the same birthday as Bob too, so what's not to like.


And like all great fairy tales (as with marriage, perhaps, some of the time), there is the stereotypical Happily Ever After, or HEA, as it is labeled in all them romance novels. Hey, just like in Dr. Strangelove and its full title, learn to stop worrying and love the bomb. Relax.


Then there's the momentary happiness when you"re just some guest taking in the scene as two folks walk down the aisle together, the ceremony is finally over, and you're anticipating the start of the reception N.B. This be where the food, drink, music and fun is at.

This is the kind of stuff going down in Wedding Chronicles. In this particular chapter, single simpleton gets caught up in discussion about Canada and USA before Japan-meets-Canada ceremony with his friends at sea, and everything "goes to hell in a handbasket" thereafter.



Subject: Iceland #71 - Olfactory offense
(Posted on Dec 29, 2014 at 03:18PM ) Tags:
After an overnight flight, you're in a car for a couple hours in remote Iceland on your way to a wedding at the end of August 2003, when suddenly you're attacked by Dr. LoveSexy from his perch in the passenger seat.

The Dr. looked at me, paused for a moment of cerebral reflection, sniffed, and
turned his upper torso toward the door.
"Monopoly this." He loudly expunged a
wet-sounding anal burp that reverberated with a slow and sloppy staccato.

His anal elocution was not to be confused with anal electrocution, which was
an altogether different experience, although the latter could feasibly stimulate
the former. Both prove the maxim
"it is better to give than to receive."
Eeeew. This was the real deal. Noxious fumes hung in the air, unlike my
Terrance and Philip jest with George Johnson two weeks ago.

Edwin may well have left behind a brown racing stripe inside his skivvies with
this one.
"Beavis-cum-Cornholio, 'your bunghole just went ra ka ka ka. You may
need TP for your bunghole,'"I said, trying not to breathe. That was some crazy
bum cum hum. I labeled it so from a sonic perspective, being inclined to
sporadically spawn such silly Seussisms.

He completely had me. I was not equipped at this very second to fire a volley
in reprisal.
The war was over with one shot, and you were dead. Jar that up in
mass quantity, and one had credible replacements for those problematic
missing Weapons of (M)Ass Destruction not yet found in Iraq.

Hey, shit happens. Whether you call it farting, tooting, anal burping, queefing, or anything else, you need to deal with it. Want to expand your vocabulary on the matter? Here's a good HuffPo piece with 150 terms and Fart Names additionally describes them by type and adds other euphemisms to the mix.

The skinny on the buried Beavis-cum-Cornholio references (as taken from that classic Beavis and Butt-head series on MTV) and that sound bite from the book above are seen in these two clips below.


Bob digs deep on all the things that really matter, even if he's just some single guy skipping merrily off to weddings all around the world.

Humans do it--men and women both, so don't let the prettier, better and oft-smarter sex tell you they don't play in this space.



This scene from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle clearly demonstrates this capability. Hey, it must be true if it's in a movie, after all.


Female "bottom burps" may even pack more punch than their male-generated counterparts per here and here. Note that it appears some people actually specialize in this area of study--go figure! From a science perspective, here's a great little video that talks about everything you wanted to know about flatulence, and then some more. Impress friend, family, and foe alike (although sometimes these category labels can overlap) with these new-found kernels of knowledge.


Other animals do it too, and here's a Top 10 list on it. The Fart Facts lists a bunch of great informaton on the matter. All the scoop on the poop, so to speak, pardon the pun. Here's yet another piece from The Guardian newspaper that speaks to the medicinal powers of those petite puffs of personal perfumed pleasure.

As with many things out there in the world that one can ingest or experience, a little bit is just fine, but you can also be in danger if exposed to too much. Talk about WMD, or in this case per below, WAD, may be the more apropos tag.


This is the vaunted "blue angel" experience, which is not to be confused with the Blue Angels, unless the latter be doing the former while flying in formation, which would be kinda kool, one supposes.



To close off today's topic of global significance, and in keeping with the spirit of the season, don't feel shy to "Honk your horn."


Happy Holidaze (Holz) Y'all,
or HaHoY'a, in concatenated short form.

Bob made this up for your ass.
Sometimes in life, you have these encounters that affect you profoundly--things to be remembered forever. One such one for Bob was way back in the day when he was a teenager and got a very unique and powerful spin on long-term marriage from some life-wi(s/z)ened, gray-haired, French Canadian cat called Lulu he worked with. When hardcore life experience got dished out by him, you know it was real--the kind of stuff you could never make up yourself unless you've been through it. To this day, it gives Bob something to think about. But before we get to that nugget of conciousness, let's lay out some basic groundwork in preparation thereof.

There's generally a lot of stuff out there on the topic of marriage and how it needs to be done and managed over time as the years and decades go by together in harmony and happiness. Righto.



Gary Busey had a thought on it. He was married the first time for about 22 years, 4 years the second time, and probably had a few other relationships to form the basis of his wisdom on this topic.

Now, by pure coink-e-dink, Bob has the same birthday as our marriage-opining actor. Whether or not you believe this is a good thing re shared birthday, and any personality comparison therein, just keep in mind that Gary was out riding his Harley without a helmet back in December 1988, when he hit his head real hard on the curb after being thrown off his machine. D'oh! More details on that serious mishap here and here. Unfortunately, things weren't the same for him thereafter. It wasn't long after that he got divorced in 1990. So maybe one wonders if he started to see marriage in a completely different light after all those years, or the accident introduced some clarity on the matter.

One all-important element in the vast majority of long-term marriages that keeps cropping up is one of Kom-mUn-E-Kay-shun [sic] and (starting to try) understanding your significant other.


N.B. Before reading any / all below, be aware Bob did some digging online for equally-dishing stuff from the ladies as regards their men in marriage, but, alas, after a few hours of watching / listening, the stuff he found was either NOT funny, WAY too long and ramblng (like, Hello?!), or was just not edited right at others' hands ... so he just moved on. Ping his ass, and he can send you what he found to prove his point.

Jeff Allen has some good advice in this area. This is very important to your wife, so pay attention, fellas.


If this area of focus is a problem for some of the guys out there, there is a "pharma" fix to help quickly boost personal capability in this department.



If popping pills isn't your thing, there is always the high technology approach to save the day. Plus, this second solution works both ways to help your wife also understand what's being said by you in her direction.


Another facet in the mix over time is that married life kinda falls into a routine, especially once the kiddies arrive to change the playing field up even more.


This long-time married cat, Walter (The Old Grumpy Man), has it down pat as well, just like Lulu did. He is steered ably at the hands (and mouth) of Jeff Dunham.



Tim Hawkins, Bob Smiley, and John Branyan have a go on a few of the little things one learns along the way. A few snippets from their 2011 Rock Show Comedy Tour are below.


Okay, so much for the niceties and polite posturing. It's time to break out one of the Big Gunz of Comedy on this matter. No holds barred with our main man shootin' it straight.


So ... after all those other menfolks' slant on things, Lulu's take was still "out there" and highly unique, as sucked up, verbatim, right out of the book. He was able to sum it up in a simple and short sentence.

[BNB] "So, tell me," I asked, "what's it like being married 42 years to the same woman?"

No doubt herein lay some esoteric knowledge or a profound kernel of wisdom. I turned to face him and drink it all in. I was eager for a revelation about such a revered institution.

[Lulu]
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, you know," he said, not skipping a beat, "same old hole..." and, shrugging his shoulders, "...same old hair." He turned, half-smiled, and grunted, "Back to work, you maudit anglais cocksucker!"

FYI, "maudit anglais" translated from French equates to "damn" or "bloody" and "English."

No matter how many weddings Bob went to thereafter, that encounter from a summer day back in 1983 was always on his mind in the background--something to make him think about shite. Occasionally, a few well-chosen words go a long way. Stuff runs deep.

You can make of all this whatever you want, but forewarned is forearmed, the omniscient "they" always like to say.





Bob ain't being cynical about this topic. He's just looking at, processing, and spewing out, in unbiased fashion of course (just as the media does with the news), what other folks be saying about marriage after many years in the trenches with their significant other(s), as the case may be.

His ass has been lucky enough to hit a few weddings all over the world as some single guy, have a little fun along the way, and then observe what unfolds thereafter. And you can read about it all, plus a whole lot more about what goes on out there in the world, in this book.