funny wedding books novel amazon.com Wedding Chronicles Bob N. Boguslavski
Subject: Singapore #77 - Sussin' symbiosis
(Posted on Jul 19, 2014 at 12:10PM )
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Edwin M. Terry, aka Dr. LoveSexy, stated at one point in this wedding chapter:

"People fall into three categorie--pimps, hos, and hustlers."

He was commenting on how the world works, and the people in it. So what was he on about?

One could add "players" to the above mix, as Xzibit did in his rap ditty "What U See Is What U Get" but Dr. LoveSexy was keeping things more basic.


Given this song title, Bob was reminded of WYSIWYG from the realm of IT, but it's not far off topic. Anyway, back to our line in the book, where Edwin likened his view of people and their positions cum pecking order in the world to be not dissimilar to that of Gary Johnston's one in Team America: World Police. Gary pours it all out in this classic scene to an audience of global dignitaries. Hey, he's an actor, right, just like Raygun Ronnie (Reagan).




And then after all that, somebody had to add:

"The world was a better place when that fine balance between mutualistic and
commensal symbiosis was achieved."

So whaddat in plain English? Mutualism is when both/all species in a relationship benefit, and commensalism being when one benefits, but the other(s) doesn't (don't) benefit or get harmed significantly. Now you can ponder that statement a bit more. More general scoop on the symbiosis poop can be found here, for any science-curious types.




Parasitism was left out of the mix that day, cuz, well, that ain't making the world a better place, unless you be like, erhm, part of that Illuminati / NWO / Bilderberg crowd and their philosophy. That's the straight dope on humanity and our world. However, that ball of wax is best left for another time. Just so you know, NWO is NOT to be confused with them infinitely kooler N.W.A. katz.


You can make this stuff about how people are in the world as complicated as need be, depending on your frame of mind and who you're discussing it with, but at the end of the day, Gary Johnston and Dr. LoveSexy got it down right.

And whaddup with the spelling of "hos" going on here? There's debate on whether the plural of ho be hos, hoes, or ho's, per these pieces, here, here, and here. Go figure. No wonder the nightly news ain't accurate neither. After some discussion and diligence on this spelling matter, with my editor, she agreed and was like, "Yo, bro', hos be best." As a bonus, it's the shortest too.

Let's also not forget about the classic, family-friendly Holiday "Ho" too. Maybe a little out of season at the height of summer, but retailers are already geared up for it, rest assured.


This spelling subtopic on hos might conceptually displease some folks. For any complaints that may arise, this single guy traveling our planet for wedding adventures turns to this galactically wise chap here for input and spiritual guidance.

Subject: Epilogue - Dangerous Destination Dos
(Posted on Jul 9, 2014 at 08:41AM )
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Just as that mysterious Max chap was trying to plan around some undesired scenarios that could potentially unfold at some super-secret, high-end wedding in Mexico, it was advocated by yours truly, posing as some bobo advice columnist, that he put some protective measures in place.

In life, you can plan until the cows come home, but stuff may still not go down according to your intentions. Shit happens!

And so, even in this Mexican wedding setting, it was presciently suggested everybody be packing, from the wedding couple on down to the bridal party, guests, and all staffers. That way, if the big day got overturned by some unwelcome wedding crashers, folks wuz prepared and all.
 
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However, if things go sideways, the scene could unravel like these famous cinematic scenes, just amped up somewhat in real life, what with potentially hundreds of armed folks in the mix on all sides.
 
 

And then, as someone postulated, "If miscalculated, the scene could unravel and go down faster than a piñata at Carlos Slim Helu's surprise 50th birthday party." But then, even THAT might not go down per plan as these videos nicely indicate. Whenever humanity is involved, one can never count on anything gettin' done right and being on point.
 



Clearly, this crew of cats celebrating their event somewhere in Saudi Arabia has it all going on.
 

Fashion, functionalty, and firepower can all be artfully combined to realize the vision and passion of the day you've always dreamed of. Really, it's all about how you accessorize in the end.

Bottomline, don't let the prospect of a little geopolitical instability ruin your perfect day in paradise. Ladies, just step up, Lean In, and "pack" accordingly for your destination wedding and the "climate" at hand.

"War is hell" and some, let alone many, say marriage is too, several years on. But don't let the glory of wedding day be ruined by subpar preparation. Even if you can't afford to hire the likes of Max from Credenhill and a coterie of his ilk, you can manage well enough on your own in most cases with LOTS of friends and family.
 

The seemingly omnipotent NRA would undoubtedly bless all this, no matter where your special day is, be it Throckmorton, Texas; Tagtabazar, Turkmenistan; Tabuk; Timbuktu; Tecacahuaco; Thiruvananthapuram; Tweebuffelsmeteenskootmorsdoodgeskietfontein, or Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu. Yeah, I know, go put that mouthful of places in your pipe and smoke 'em.

Some stuff in the world just seems to transcend the barriers of culture and language, kinda just like love. Geez, you got BNB getting all mushy and sentimental here.
 

That's what this single hombre kat traveling the world for weddings has to say on the matter.


 
Subject: Paperback Giveaway on Goodreads
(Posted on Jun 23, 2014 at 09:51AM )
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Enter to win a signed paperback copy of Wedding Chronicles on Goodreads. Free sign-up and contest entry.

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Wedding Chronicles by Bob N. Boguslavski

Wedding Chronicles

by Bob N. Boguslavski

Giveaway ends July 21, 2014.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter to win
Subject: Wedding Chronicles Trade Paperback Now Available
(Posted on Jun 20, 2014 at 04:26PM )
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Wedding Chronicles is now available in 5.5" x 8.5" trade paperback format from Amazon internationally.

This is in addition to its original e-book formats (Kindle, Apple iBooks, B&N Nook, and Kobo)

See Get The Book for country specific website link details.


Subject: Tenerife #18 - What's in your glass?
(Posted on Jun 10, 2014 at 10:02AM )
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Perplexed by that ages-old glass that is half-full versus half-empty conundrum? Decisions, decisions.


It always depends on how you wanna look at stuff, ain't it? Optimsim and pessimism are just states of mind. Attitude is what counts.


Just as Dudley Steele scolded Billy Brant and "Student" Grant Lipman pooside at the villa in Tenerife, the day after his bachelor bash dished him a raging hangover, always ask your friendly neighborhood barkeep to pour you another one. Unless your're getting bad pours, that should usually fix it.


And if/when the beer runs out, switch to something else.


Whether your thinking runs left, right, middle of the road, or upside down, it doesn't matter. There's always an answer for that too, even if you're a more cerebral science- and math-minded type.


And as our good friend and drinking buddy, The Most Optimistic Man in the World, always has a pository spin on things, here is an apropos vignette on a matter of note sure to make a splash in our world at some point down the road.


Remember, as Bobby Bo likes to always say as a rule in life:

Think Pository = Negatory Suppository

At the end of the day, forget all that pseudo-intellectual philosophical crap, and just shout "Uno mas!" When the beer runs out, no whine, switch to wine, shots or whatever else may be lying around. It's all perspective.

And when you tire of this talk of glasses in various states of relative fill, maybe "Think green" and go smoke some weed or sumpin' for yet another different take.

Subject: Westport #94 - Whaddup with Whiskey vs. Whisky?
(Posted on Jun 4, 2014 at 03:34PM )
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So what is it all about when you see that word spelled both ways, with or without 'e' in there? Supposedly a logic to it all drives that, but it is not always adhered to it seems. Go figure. Kinda like with a lot of things in the world.

As mentioned in the book, it is dependent on where the drink comes from, but many times, in practice, folks just spell it the way they want, based on what part of the world they are from. This includes writers and copy editors alike.

First, here's the Wikpedia skinny of what a whisky / whiskey is, to begin with. As for 'correct' spelling, there seems to have been a rethink on this the last few years though. This fine piece on The Kitchn goes into good detail on the whole matter, and settles on the following rule (going by country of origin, and what is on the bottle label):

- E in country name (e.g., United States / America and Ireland), then spell it whiskey,
and the plural as whiskeys.

- No e in country name (e.g., Canada, Scotland, Japan, Australia, Finland, and India),
then spell it whisky, and the plural as whiskies.

Note how the dueling plural forms of the word can further bamboozle folks. Overall though, Bob digs this simple rule and it makes complete sense by what it says on the bottle.

But then, Germany, England, and Wales had to come along and $%@* that up and spell it whisky nonetheless with their own products. So much for what makes sense in the world.


When using the term generically, go ahead and write it anyway you want, depending on where you are in the world, and your audience, as long as you are consistent. The venerable NY Times Dining column used to try and do that per here through late 2008, but then seems to have capitulated to the newer thinking here in early 2009. Hey, shit happens. Deal with it and move on is the motto to follow.

These older chaps below, earlier on, went and messed the spelling up with their rendition of the word as whuskey in song.

Red Ingle and the Natural Seven singing "Cigareetes, Whuskey, and Wild, Wild, Women" (1948)
The Muppet Show (special guest Peter Sellers), season 2, episode 18, original airing Feb. 25, 1978

Words of wisdom for the ages, unless you want to nail the trifecta, pardon the pun. There are many versions of this song, but the two here were mentioned in the book, in my conversation with Pops di Tomaso and his favorite rendition. There was no debate either back then about whether it was whuskey or whusky. That was for wussies, no doubt.

As for any other countries making the spirit that may or may not adhere to that rule, you can check that out, one by one, on Malt Madness if you have mucho mas time on your hands, and looking for something new to sip on.

A place like Thailand and its whiskies adhere to the spelling rule, but those tipples are not actually officially deemed a whisky to begin with, per this 2011 Intoxicated Abroad posting and the Wiki definition above. BNB very much digs our main man Matt's slogan, "Life's too short to be sober at home." It's way better to be some single guy abroad, be it at weddings, or on other (mis)adventures cum vacations.

Like many things in life, best not to think about stuff too much, and just go friggin' do it. And then, I suppose as long as the bartender knows what to pour, then you are golden. I end this post with a nifty little infographic on whisk(e)y to mull while sippin' sumpin' smoooooove.


Cheers, and bottoms up, Bobbolin(o/a)!

Subject: Iceland #71 - Pondering Phallological Pursuits
(Posted on May 22, 2014 at 08:47AM )
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So you're in Iceland for a wedding, and there's definitely lots to see and do in country, with not nearly enough time to take it all in, especially if you're a fan of the great outdoors, natural wonders, flora, and fauna. There are many unique elements to experience, but something cultural to put at the top of everyone's "to do" list here is to check out the Icelandic Phallological Museum.


Yep, you got it. The place looks like some lair where Lorena Bobbitt would ditch, preserve, and exhibit her treasure trove post Bobbitization spree(s). It's a spot that would no doubt give her ex, John Wayne Bobbitt, the creeps, after what he went through at her angry hand (and knife) back on June 23, 1993, a day the lads need to remember. Here's the overview on all that.


Given our Ecuadorian gal's inspiration and capably demonstrated experience, she might well qualify as a capable curator in Iceland, although she may prefer the field work angle.

Founded in 1997 by Sigurður Hjartarson, it was originally located in Reykjavík, and then moved to much more remote Húsavík in 2004, but relocated more conveniently back to downtown Reykjavík the last couple years. The museum houses a wide array of that memorable member of mammalian malehood (and related bits and bobs), from the massive, to the medium, and on down to the microscopic. Bob would show you the hamster one, but some say it needs a magnifying glass at just 2 mm (or 0.0787402 inches) in length.


For the longest time since opening, the museum was missing one all-important exhibit--that which came straight from mandom. But, happily for all, and complete satisfaction, this glaring omission was resolved and here's the skinny on it in this insightful trailer for The Final Member.


It doesn't end there folks, cuz, like, there's always something bigger and better just around the corner, as all the ladies know. There will one day be forthcoming an even greater donation from the mass of mandom out there, and from Manhattan, no less. So much for everything being bigger in Texas. This recent HuffPo piece speaks to Jonah Falcon's pledge to give to the cause one day down the road, when he passes on. It will be a good replacement for the current donation there as the piece explains.

At the end of the day, the museum is definitely NOT a typical place on most folks' tourism itineraries, even if you are some well-traveled single guy hitting weddings all over the world. As they like to say there, "It's all about dicks."


ICELAND, an awesome place that's on the map for many kool reasons, and getting all studious on things phallological is just one of them. When done there, some of the ladies may get all thirsty for a refreshment.


Photo of enthusiasitc founder Sigurður Hjartarson outside the old Húsavík museum location

Bob's ass be pulling no punches deep inside the trenches of global wedding tourism adventures as some single guy.


Subject: Barcelona #62 - Cookin' Cucu in Cugat
(Posted on May 17, 2014 at 02:57PM )
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So, you find yourself on your way to some outdoor wedding ceremony in Sant Cugat del Vallès outside Barcelona, sitting on a bus (or motor coach if you wanna be fancy pants about it) with other guests. You're killing some time in your mind, and wondering about the origins of the place, its name, and what was up with all that trying to get rid of some cat called St. Cucuphas way back in the daze of antiquity. The place ended up being named after him (initially, it was Castrum Octavianum) because of what happened next.

Well, it seems the Roman prefect at the time was going a tad creative with trying to get rid of our man. Judging by the following 3-step process, you'd think like maybe, somebody was going to consume our cat Cucu once he was deemed "ready."

1) Tenderize - Get a dozen soldiers to soften him up by whipping him, and then tear up his skin with nails and scorpions. Inspired
2) Marinate - cover him with vinegar and pepper. Creative kitchen
3) Cook - Roast him alive. Wuz it low 'n slo'? Dunno.

But something miraculous seemed to happen, and our man Cucu escapes death and injury per the tale. Hmmm, the prefect has a rethink on things, deciding to have a really BIG bonfire made and burn him up. Ooopsy, next thing you know, something backfires, and his executioners all die in the flames, but Cucu's okay. Righto.

The prefect has him thrown back in his cell, and then softened up some more with iron whips this time around. Presto majesto, said prefect mysteriously went up in flames in his carriage by divine intervention or sumpin' like that. Lesson learned, and his replacement decides to keep things really basic and has our man finally done in the old fashioned way by having his throat slit. See, keeping it straightforward and not trying to get fancy worked just fine in the end.

Painting: The Martyrdom of St. Cucuphas, (Public Domain)
Ayne Bru (1504-07 estimated)

And that's the way it supposedly went down for our man Cucuphas back in AD 304 during the Diocletianic Persecution.

Now, as a take away point, you generally don't see girlfolk messing around with making things complicated for no good reason. Case in point was these two women deciding to take out a "player" back in March 1881. In this fine recounting, our man Francisco "Chico" Forster, 40, was sleeping around under the guise of marriage promises when he got his sorry ass caught out in L.A. Here's some more detail on all that.

Our slighted gal, 18 at the time (guess FCF was goin' younger), just popped him straight through the eye with a pistol shot. Ba-Blam! No messing around entertaining more sophisticated torture approaches a la Roman prefect earlier in history per above.

Image: Twoons.com | 2009

Then, as a huge bonus, and no doubt benefiting from a crack legal team, our girl Lastania Abarta gets off employing a defense of "female hysteria."


Go figure. Alas, the ladies can no longer plop that ploy away for potential recycling down the road when there is a need to get rid of your man, whether he be cheatin', or not. Said medical condition was taken off the books as this informative video points out.


All BNB can say, as some simpleton single chappie out there attending weddings all over the place, is a man gots to stay on his toes. Sometimes, reaching deep for knowledge is needed to remedy what ails, just like our man Dr. Swift here below, and the tale of his special treatment for female hysteria.


Super Entertaining Read

Bob's adventures in the world of weddings are close to home - for anyone who either is married, been married or contemplating marriage! Beautifully described, with background music to boot, Bob's sometimes offbeat stories, keen wit and fine observations kept me engaged, laughing and sometimes even squirming as I recognized my own experiences in his tellings.

I read the book over a period of time - the stories are individually entertaining and you don't lose the thread as the characters and stories develop. Highly recommended, an easy and entertaining read.

Rating: 5 / 5 *

Original Posting: Neville Chamberlain | May 12, 2014 | Source Link: Amazon.CA


Some things in life, you don't need to necessarily experience to know enough to stay away from altogether, like, erhm, say sumpin' like anal electrocution.

Illustration Credit: Bobbissimo

Or when someone who has been there already with some life experience,usually suffering for it, and offers up some deep and heartfelt advice. One needs to remember that stuff for future reference. You just know from the way they said it, that they have lived it, and it's sooooo true. Those kernels of wisdom doled out from time to time most certainly apply to marriage. Stay alert and focused to pick up on these gems when they come across your radar.

Way back when, when Bob was a teen, he got some of that type of insight from Lulu as recounted in the book, when Bob asked him what it was like to be married 42 years. Tough to follow and fathom when you've just turned 18 at the time, and he's 63. His reply was short (at only six words total, and two words were each used twice to boot, for added effect). Bob's still ain't no closer to getting married after all these years, but he knows that Lulu's words ring really true. Lulu had it going on, when it came to life lessons like that.

Here are a few more tips for all the married fellas out there, on how to navigate those perilous waters with longterm success. Learn from your other shackled comrades in arms and their past faux pas and serious speed bumps they have experienced along the way. We guys can all learn!

This guy knows what he's doing for sure in this sweet little clip, and it all sounds so much better and credible with a posh British accent.


Then there's the scoop on all the poop when a guy is thrown into the proverbial doghouse by da Boss in his life for having a crack moment or brief lack of focus with disastrous consequences.


Tim Hawkins has a fine singing version chocka blocka of good advice for all the married fellas out there.


There are always those simple but highly effective tips humanity can borrow from the animal kingdom. This one is a classic around out there on the Web for several years now in various locations, but it still presses home the message effectively.

SINGLE


MARRIAGE


DIVORCE


MARITAL BLISS

So, at the end of the day, why would any (soon-to-be) married guy listen to all this marriage knowledge / experience coming from some still-single guy who has spent a lot of his time, effort and $$$ going to weddings all around the world? Well, as the ever-astute Dr. LoveSexy once said, "Yo, I ain't had no safe fall on my head yet either, but I know it would hurt."

You can bank on that for sure.